I only meant to stay a while...
Lately I have been thinking in spurts between my manic preparation for my new job as a middle school teacher. My brain is like a gerbil wheel that squeaks and threatens to go off the hinge as it replays the same old boring anxieties over and over and over and over. I'm trying hard not to talk lately because it just becomes a toxic leak of green bile we call worry, and everyone having enough of their own just takes a step back and frowns at the splatter on their shoes. whoops, she's got verbal diarrhea again, and it's not even amusing or cute.
-Before I continue, I must note that: I am a very lucky person in SO many ways with a very wonderful boyfriend, home, friends and town. I have all that I need and I'm not going hungry. Therefore,the prestated and following should be considered in this context.-
I have noticed that my friends and peers get uncomfortable when people say earnest emotional statements like "I'm really sad about" or "I really care about you so much" or "you are a wonderful person" or "what do you guys think about?" It's so direct that it's AWKWARD and everyone evades the gaze of the speaker and quickly diverts to the not so original
Sarcastic, Cynical, Vague and Negative Banter that is now socially acceptable and comfortable. Saying genuinely kind, nice reflective things that show your vulnerability is like taking off your pants and dry humping a trash can. People laugh nervously and if you don't stop they try to get the hell away from you.
I'm not saying I don't do it or feel it - it's just that when I break out of the conversation norms in groups or sometimes even alone with someone, people get uncomfortable. Do we not all cry? Do we not all feel insecure even though we are "adults" and "responsible"? Do we not all love our friend deep down? I'm not saying sarcasm and wit are unfeeling and superficial, I think they are invaluable tools that truly gifted people can wield with great success and delight. I just don't understand why feelings, emotions and honest vulnerable statements make us uncomfortable. why does it have to be like that? And when did it start?
When will we be able to start talking about what they are really thinking about instead of sticking soley to the safe topics like sports, daily accomplishments and gossip without feeling like their burdening people or alienating themselves?
posted by SquirrelGirl @ 10:31 PM
5 Comments:
Kid, much respect to you. I've been railing on about this with my significant other for a few years now. I can only stay on the grassy knoll of desired conversation for so long. If I like the person or group I'm with, I'll start sharing my feelings about...whatever. Nothing out of the ordinary or understandable. But that blank eyed stare or face of disapproval sometimes puzzles the shit out of me. And infuriates me. I just don't understand. Don't get me wrong. I love me some sarcasm. I also like to feel a full range of emotions. It's nice to hear someone else thinks the same way. Thanks lady!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take off my pants and dry humping a trash can.
It's good to be sincere.
Sometimes people have trouble with it. It's true that our society is not set up for being real.
I've been thinking of you and your new job. You know I hope (sincerely!) that everything is going well for you. I myself wonder "how do I teach?" I don't think I'm very creative at it and need badly to get better at this aspect of it.
You should hang out w/me and Holly sometime. Send me an email or somethin.
take it easy
The short answer is that it's very easy to utilize sarcastic, cynical, vague and negative banter when interacting with other people. This is especially true in today's culture since all of us under the age of 35 have been trained from a young age to interact in this manner. At its core, I think it's about engaging with others without actually fully engaging yourself. You can enjoy most of the benefits of friendship without fully exposing yourself to the possibility of pain.
I'm not trying to be judgemental because, truth be told, I do it, too. The difference, as I see it, is that I don't do it all the time with all of my friends. We do have to put ourselves out there at some point or we won't grow up [cue earnest string music]. I guess it's a little bit like junk food. It's tasty, it's easy, it's relatively cheap, but if you try to live off of it you'll only grow sick and waste away.
Besides, I think it says more about the people who think it's awkward to be honest than it does about the person being honest.
sometimes i like to scratch my bunghole and then sniff my fingers, but only in the most sincere way.
I had a dream about you the other night and realized how much I have been missing you. I LOVE YOU! God I almost cried looking at pictures from the past. Hope L.A. is great and let me know if you are coming through Portland. Oh yea I really liked what you were saying about vulnerability, i promise you can tell me how you feel anytime and I won't look away..or at least really try not too.
Mr. Vader
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