Mr. Lee

A very wonderful man and good friend of mine called me last night before his impending deployment to Iraq. He is someone I have known since high school, which means a lot to me b/c I moved around so much that I never kept in touch with many people. He courageously went to Afghanistan and now is being sent to Iraq for a year. As much as I wish the war would stop and the troops would be sent home and Bush would disappear - I am very proud of the strength and honor that this man exhibits by holding his head up and taking care of the wounded (he's a medic).
I will be thinking of you and praying for you Bryan! I love you!

Forgive Me Father

If you're into nun porn, then you should check this site out. There is a "Nun of the Week" added on Sundays with an appropriate Bible verse as caption. Dirty enough to make Jesus cry.
http://blogs.salon.com/0002296/categories/nunOfTheWeek/

Sit Still Now

Ah, family portraits. Reminders of the days before the divorce and the drinking problem, and the fights in the yard where all the neighbors heard your mom call your dad a "pervert" and an "asshole". Little moments of blind joy on the faces that unknowingly later cause you much psychological trauma. The American Dream: the family. Dysfunctional as cultivated by the culture.
If you would like to add a member to your family, a black, furry cat - then let me know. I have two cats and can't keep them both - I'm looking for a good home for the one that's neutered and has all his shots. He's really sweet, never bites or scratches, and likes to snuggle. And he won't berate you in front of your friends or tell you to go to bed.

Guapi Papi

Me encanta admirarte guapi,
Tienes los ojos que ven todo
Y dicen mucho.
Espero verte un día hermosa
Cuando vas a mostrarme
El fúturo.

I just realized that Dogboy kind of looks like Benicio del Toro when I saw this picture. Cheers to Dogboy! May you become a chain-smoking celebrity with poontang out the wazoo. Totally possible by the way.

And then she.....

These teeth could:
tell you a story
nibble your ear
tell you they love you
smile at your jokes
fall out
rot out
bite your dick
massage your clit
open a bag
slurp a straw
make your yellers feel neon
induce product consumption
give your grandma flashbacks
be reproduced by a computer

"Hypo-allergenic FDS has been clinically tested and proven safe and gently enough to use everyday, throughout the day. FDS can be used in many ways: Spray it directly on yourself. Spray it on underwear. Spray it on pantyliners . Spray it on pantyhose FDS. Use daily to feel clean and fresh." Take a shower ladies and drop the aerosol can. Because otherwise you might get:Isobutane, isopropyl myristate, corn starch, mineral oil fragrance, lanolin alcohol, hydrated silica magnesion strarate, benzyl alcohol (100% talc free) on your panties.
Corn starch? Alcohol? I'd rather have swamp crotch, thanks.

La Ardillita Loquita

The weather is perfect today! I'm enjoying a real spring right now and I don't want it to stop. I had a picnic by the fountain today and I'm going out to celebrate Kim Kirby's bday tonight. She's headed to Germany soon and I will miss her so much. Speaking of Germany....
What the fuck is up with the new German pope? Someone told me yesterday that he was a member of Hitler's Youth. True? Rumor? I probably don't want to know either way. He'll die soon anyways which will give "them" more time to find a more suitable prune-man to gum his divinely inspired wishes to the people. I guess that's why they put him there. Sucks to be the German.
By the way,
I have never been water skiing, and somehow I think that makes me Communist.

Going Bananas

Arg. I cried for no good reason today, downed a candy bar which did not even begin to satisfy my choclate craving and then finally noticed that I was taking my last dark blue pill today. For those who don't know what that is, it's the danger zone in the birth control pack. High hormone levels, PMS and a nice medley of ilogically sequenced emotions. It's scary how strong this anti-baby stuff is, although I am so happy every time I get my period. I sigh and think - it was all worth it to get laid and not actually deal with the biological consequences. But until that bloody date with aunt flo - I'm a bottomless pit that can't consume enough food or stop crying about that movie I saw on Lifetime.

Mr. Winkles

I found this picture on the Monkey Models website. The caption reads:
"A brown capuchin monkey of 23 years, Coochie looks like he had
too many lemons with his tequilla last night. But though he is
just a sailor who is getting on in years, he can throw a
tantrum with the best of them."
The following items get the Friday monkey of approval:
1) Dressing up monkeys - except chimps. I hate chimps.
2) Flicking off or making the "what?" hand motion to bad drivers. (What being a Jewish NY interpretation of the gesture)
3) Farting into your chair so no one will smell it. It's just polite.
4) Telling your parents little lies to avoid them having a major meltdown about something they don't understand. "No, Mom, I only smoked weed once. Yes, I promise!"
5) Dancing at all times, all locations. You blasted drunk on the dancefloor on Saturday night is not the only time you should get down. Have a little fun and don't worry about those ass-clowns that refuse to dance.
6) Snooping/creeping - sometimes it is necessary - esp. if you suspect someone is really fucking you over hard and you know they're a good liar.
7) Reading - beats TV any day. No really, try it.
8) Marshmallow, choclate anything. I already miss Easter candy.

Bite Yo Butt

Well I'm about ready for the semester to end. I have three final papers floating over my head like big, black buzzards waiting to eat my innards. I'm not smelling success around the corner, we'll put it that way. I've also spent way too much money this year which is also annoying b/c I wanted to be so frugal. Two vacations and 100 dinners out later - it's time to ask for more loan money. Ah well, I'm sure I can manage to numb some of my stress with a few rum and cokes at Boybutante this weekend. Oh, and at David's bday party!! :)
On a lighter note, I may be bartending at Go Bar in the summer and next year. Now I will have a legitimate reason to be there every Saturday.

Trivial Pursuit

I will give you a prize if you remember this movie.

A Lovely List

Things to be happy about- a spring time list:
1) 80s cartoons - Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake, Care Bears
2) sunshine
3) good poos - not too hard, not too soft
4) sex - anytime, anywhere - not just anybody though
5) popsicles that melt faster than you eat them
6) ELO and other rainbow music
7) dancing
8) reading books and watching movies all day
9) laying in the grass and taking a nap
10) the sound of your friends laughing

Aw Atticus

My mother loves this movie. I like it a lot myself. (Except that Boo Radley looks like a crack addict.)My mom says that I remind her of Scout. I love my Mom for even making a connection with me and a movie character.

Tight Butts Drive Me Nuts

Randall- "I told you yesterday that I paid that bill. Don't tell me you don't
remember that conversation"
Jessy- "I remember you telling me that you sent a check out - that doesn't mean it's not gonna bounce tomorrow"
Randall- "Are you trying to tell me I don't know about my money? You think I don't
know how much is in the bank? Damn, you act like I've never paid a bill before"
Jessy- "Well you sure do write a lot of checks, but I'm not sure about actually
paying for anything. I guess you forgot about last month and the water bill"
Randall- "That was an honest mistake and that's over. I already explained that to
you. It got paid didn't it?"
Jessy- "After I took care of it, it did. If you buy a new bike today I'll be paying the bills for the rest of the year"
Randall- "The bike is for both of us"
Jessy- "Goddammit Randall"

Just Another Day

You could be anywhere: the bathroom, your car, the kitchen - when suddenly that hairy asshole called Trouble AKA Worrisome Occurrence AKA Extremely Stressful Something or Other pops in to say hello. Or rather bites the shit out of you after smacking you in the back of the head. He's not what you would call "friendly" or "timely". He's a smart-ass, too. Whenever you start complaining he tells you to "shut the fuck up" and "get over it". Damn dirty apes.

Save the Earth, Kill a Frat Boy

Put It In My Fur Hole

Someone made the suggestion over brunch on Sunday that I make my blog more exciting by making it even more perverted. Their method of choice was the addition of creepy plushie/furry drawings and pics that basically personify animals in a very sick way.
Every fucking time I search on Google for any animal related picture I find at least 5 sexy drawings of foxes, rabbits and squirrels posing "nude" or humping. I like to think that I'm a pretty open-minded person - but come on. That's just really gross and strange if you want to wear a chicken suit or imagine your lover as a puma in order to get off. Good luck getting laid!
I wonder how this fetish comes about - where these said plushies molested by their dog or eyed lecherously by a neighbor's cat? Did they watch looney tunes and feel a funny tingle when Bugs would cross-dress and kiss Elmer Fudd? Do they get aroused by satyrs? I just don't understand.

Go Outside and Shut UP

It is a beautiful day outside. When you start having those evil thoughts about that person you have no reason to hate, or those self-depracating rants, or that whine that nags you into thinking you really do deserve to have more clothes and money -
SHUT UP AND GO OUTSIDE!
and eat something and take a nap or read something! you are not the only person in the world! Your problems are not that bad - and will go away to be replaced by other minor life bumps very soon.
What do you really have to complain about?
Oh wait, I forgot you're allergic to sunshine. Resume bitching.

Inside I Am

Girls hate me, boys love me.

Conquistador

Hi. My name is Christopher Colombus. You may remember me from your history book or that rhyme your teacher taught you in kindergarten. I just wanted to let you know that I'm not really a hero, I'm actually a power hungry, bigoted asshole. Me and my soldiers raped, pillaged, killed and enslaved the native peoples of latin america, (whch I thought was the Indies because I'm not so bright) in the name of God and the glory of the crown. I paved the way for such psychos as Hitler and Bush. Remember me when you celebrate Columbus day in praise of racism, genocide, slavery and imperialism! Hooray!